


The Pain Of Remembrance

by Kikaromi



Category: Tales of Link (Video Game), Tales of Xillia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 20:39:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17629289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikaromi/pseuds/Kikaromi
Summary: Ludger remembers what hurts him most. || Oneshot(?) || Tales of Link AU where Ludger gains the memories of his past lives





	The Pain Of Remembrance

If I had to give the worst part of remembering all my lives in the previous cycles, it wouldn’t be remembering all the times I died or all the tragedies all the past mes went through. It was remembering which memories applied to  _this_ life. 

For my memories of the invasion, they were easy to sort: all the ones I inevitably died in were the past, and the present one was where the Great Savior succeeded in defeating Nidhogg; our invasion this time was more cleaning up monsters and securing the remaining (former) members of Nidhogg. It was everything else that I had trouble with. 

Each of my lives had a few constants-- I was always Julius’ little brother, I always met Elle, I’d always find Gaius one day on the streets of Kaizel and befriend him, then as Gaius’ sort-of right hand we would launch an invasion of Nidhogg’s stronghold... which would end with all those involved dying. But as for everything else, some events were quite common in my memory, others a few instances, and some only happened in one of my lives. 

I’m not sure  **what**  life these non-constant memories came from. It’s like someone dumped a bucket of candy on me and then asking me to arrange them by the order they fell on me. I might think one memory belongs to the same life as another, but I could be all wrong. And since the other mes lived without ever knowing the cycle, even if I could communicate with them, they wouldn’t know what I was talking about. 

This lack of knowledge on which memory’s tied to what life in and of itself is fine; those past lives are over and the Great Savior managed to change this life’s future to a better one. It’s when I talk to everyone else that it becomes a problem. I’ll say things like, **_“Remember when you actually ate tomatoes with me and Nii-san?”_**  to Elle and she’ll say,  _ **“I don’t remember that”**_. I’ll get confused for a moment, only to realize that the memory I’m thinking of is from a past me. What hurts me most is knowing that all these  **happy** memories I have with the people I care about may as well not exist. The Nii-san or Elle I’m living with now won’t ever know what I know. It’s a fact I’ve accepted over time, and yet occasionally I get so frustrated I end up crying or holing myself in my room until I calm down. 

After  _this_ cycle kept happening, Nii-san started to pretend he remembers what I’m talking about to make me feel better. I can always tell when he’s trying to lie-- it’s easy to pick out the signs when you remember all the times a person’s ever lied to you across all their lifetimes. Then  _I’ll_ pretend not to notice because I know it hurts him to see me sad over memories only one of us has. I’d rather I bear the pain alone than force Nii-san to share a burden that’s not his fault. As much as it hurts, I would  **never** let Nii-san remember his past lives. He doesn’t need to see the ways he “failed” to protect me. 

“Ludger, are you alright?” Nii-san’s knocking at my door, making no attempt to open it despite knowing all too well it wasn’t locked; we both agreed to remove my door lock in case I had an episode or night terrors and he needed to help me. He’s probably playing things safe since before Zephyr came to see me some time ago, seeing people I remembered usually made me worse. I’ve gotten better about not freaking out when I see a familiar  ~~dead~~  face.   

“I’m fine, Nii-san. I’ll be right out.”A quick look in the mirror and I’m walking out with a smile. As I look up at Nii-san, I can see the clock behind him: it’s 1:00 PM. Oh... I must have been sitting there for longer than I thought. It was around 11 when I laid down, and we usually have lunch around noon. “Did you eat lunch without me today?”

“No, I was waiting for you.” Nii-san gets that same old mischievous smirk whenever he’s about to one-up me. “And you promised to make me--” 

“--Pasta margherita.” I say before Nii-san gets the chance to. 

“So you remembered.” 

I’m taken aback by his remark. Why would he assume I  _wouldn’t_ remember? I remember this life and all the lives before now! He knows that--Zephyr even broke his promise to the Goddess Leonne to tell him about the cycle so he’d understand why I’m like this! So why...?!

“No, I didn’t. I just know you better than you do.”I take a jab straight back at him. Nii-san pretends to wince and clutches at his heart before he laughs and straightens up. I never get tired of seeing his smile or hearing him laugh. 

I’ll be sure to cherish this moment just as I do the rest. 

**Author's Note:**

> I made an AU a long, long time ago of what would happen to Ludger if he just, for whatever reason, remembered ALL his previous lives at once. And then when a friend reminded me of Tales of Link, I got the itch and here's a random drabble that resulted from that thought.


End file.
